Tale from the Past

I have decided that I need to read more blogs. Its fun and its interesting what goes on in peoples lives. I kept thinking to myself the whole time that I was reading, WHY is my life not this interesting?? I know that I do funny stuff, say funny things, and generally have a good time. WHY am i so BLEEDING boring? In all actuality I'm not. I just forget to remember the things that happen to me that are so ridiculous.

True Story, picture, Dallas, march 2005. (I feel like Sophia Petrillo) Anyway, I get home from yet another day at the office. I am stressed about something, I think at that point it was money. This is my thought process if I can remember correctly, so broke, so broke, so broke, in big trouble, need money. I could sell my liver. No, no one would buy it, its used and used HARD. Wait, I never use my computer, I can sell that. No, who would buy it.

You get the picture.

Anyway, I am on the phone with one of my friends bitching in general about how much it sucks to be, to quote Suze Orman, Young Fabulous and Broke. And it does, by the way. So I am on the phone, smoking a cig (no comments) and I put it out on the concrete floor of my patio and set the butt on the rail because I am thinking I will be out there to smoke another one and then I will drown them in the sink and disposal them. Apparently, I didn't.

About two hours later, I am laying in bed and I smell smoke. So I get out of bed and walk into the living room, look out on the balcony and the corner of the railing is in flames. Me, naked by the way, in my wisdom, run to the kitchen get a drinking glass, fill with water and pour on the flame.

BOOOOO!!!!! I missed that day in ELEMENTARY when they taught you that would NOT work. So I am running, naked mind you, back and forth from kitchen to balcony with glass of water.

Not working, so I grab a pair of jeans and try and beat it out. Yeah, that didn't work either. I finally smarten up get a bucket fill with water and get it put out.

Meanwhile, I notice that there is a bald queen standing under the balcony on the phone no doubt with the DFD. So I stand there, wrapped in my Pi Kappa Alpha blanket from college and watch the Fire Dept arrive. The following conversation ensues;

DFD:

How do we get up there?

Me:

The stairs......???

After arriving in my apt they rip all parts of my railing off. Mind you fire is out and they did more damage than the fire did...

DFD:

You can't use your balcony as an ashtray, do you have dishwashing liquid?

Me:

Yes and I didn't

I give them the dishwashing soap and they pour it all over what is LEFT of my balcony railing which is basically freestanding lattice at this point. Then they leave, leaving behind big black footprints on my freshly vacumned WHITE carpet. Appreciated no doubt. One of them makes this comment

DFD HOMO 1:

Is this a rental or did you buy it?

Me:

I rent

DFD HOMO 1 :

Did you pick the colors in here?

ME:

(puzzled) Yeah, why?

DFD HOMO 1:

I love them.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I know that I live in the so called 'gayborhood' of Dallas but come on. You are a fireman, all big and butch and supposed to be saving peoples lives not commenting on my choice of wall color.

That is just one of the many stories that I will be reveiling over the next few days. Feel free if you know any about me, please shoot me an e-mail and remind me.

OH, the best part is the $660.00 bill I got for repairs.