Mind Ramblings

Tonight, as I was showering off the sand from my volleyball game my mind wandered to way back when. I tend to do this sometimes, think about the past and what might have been. This particular topic has come back to me more than once and perhaps the memory of it is greater than the actual event but its still great to have.

Back, years ago, when I was living in Fayetteville I met a guy. He was mysterious and almost suave. He was many years my senior, ten or twelve if I recall correctly. He got his hair cut at the salon that I was working for at the time and I always had this quasi crush on him. At some point, I got up the courage to give him my number and told him to call me. Suprisingly, he did.

I remember waiting in the living room of my apartment laying on the floor waiting for that number to pop up. It finally did and he asked me to dinner.

The night of the actual dinner will probably go down in my mind as my greatest date, ever. He picked me up and took me to a wonderful Italian place there in Fayetteville. My age was of the utmost concern to me because I was so young. Twenty seems so young. My wit and charm had helped me survive and avoid the inevitable question of my age to this point but when I mistakingly ordered a Coke to drink instead of liquor he knew. The question came, I gracefully declined answer and then finally confessed. He was shocked. I suppose that I was mature beyond my years even then. The conversation through dinner was smooth, confident and interesting. We went to an Irish pub down the street after dinner and then to the restaurant that he owned. It was closed but some of the staff was still there. I have to admit it was intoxicating to see the man that I was on a date with behind the bar dishing out drinks. Why, I will never know. What became more intoxicating was when all the staff was gone and we were locking up, he kissed me. It wasn't one of those halfway almost nervous, not really sure what is gonna happen kisses. It was a kiss. A full on, passion driven, no holds barred kind of kiss. I remember floating.

We didn't sleep together, well we did but we didn't have sex. I remember walking into his apartment and seeing books after books stacked waist high all around. It was thrilling to be in his world and surrounded by everything that he held near. I stayed at his house the next night and we saw each other a few more times but I met Brad shortly thereafter and I forsake all that I had with him and went down a different path.

It broke his heart.

For you see, he was an emotional creature, scared and vulnerable just like the rest of us. I never got over that, the knowledge that I had knowingly hurt someone and was so calous with his feelings and more importantly his heart.

I have seen him a few times since I left Fayetteville and it has always been sort of strained. I did apologize one night, very quietly, in his ear, while he was dining by myself. I didn't wait for a response or for him to even turn. I left just as quickly as I had before, because I couldn't bear to see his face for fear that the true emotion of what I had done and was now feeling would be reflected in his eyes.

I have always looked back on that first date as the best I have had in my life. While I have been on many dates over the years, I still compare them to those first few hours with him.

So to you, my best first date, wherever you are, heres hoping that the spark we had and the feeling that I had all that night has found you and you are safe and happy tonight.