Emotional Absentee

This weekend proved to be slightly more challenging that I originally anticipated. Its amazing what can happen in a relationship when you aren't really paying attention. As you know, I have been completely against the idea of getting into a 'dating' like relationship because of the emotional trainwreck that my soul had become. There are other reason as well. For the last several months of my relationship with M, I carried the majority of the emotional weight. This extra load meant for me, exhaustion.

When you consider that I have only been in two relationships that would qualify as serious, it would make complete sense that I would be unprepared for this extra weight. Hence, the wall against relationships.

Over the past couple of months, I have been quasi-dating someone but never really considering it to be dating seriously. The term dating never really applied although looking back on it I can see how it probably should have because what is dating really anyway? Dinners, movies, the occassional kissing and groping probably qualifies as dating. Although the emotional responsibility that goes along with that was beginning to show up. That is where it had to stop.

We had dinner, he and I, on Saturday night. We went to a hot spot in Dallas, called Fuse, known for its rare and interesting fusion of Texas based food and Asian cuisine. The dinner was exceptional, the drinks as well, but the company turned slightly less than pleasant as the topic of 'us' was brought into question.

We have been sort of floating in this gray area for a while. More than friends but less than lovers and it had become quite obvious that it either needed to stop or be officially defined. Although the voices were never raised, the tempers and emotions flared because the standpoint that I had taken regarding this subject. I was and am not ready to become responsible for the emotions of anyone else besides myself. At 23, I still have a lot of single living to do. They may sound totally selfish and frankly, shitty, but it is the truth. Being unable to go on a date with someone or casually see someone is not something that I am ready to sign myself up for. There are always big risks in this kind of situation, especially with he and I. He has become an integral part of my group of friends. They all love him. I enjoy being around him. His personality is one that fits so well with my own that it is incredible to see. It fits well with all of our friends too.

So it gets complex. Feelings were hurt. It basically ended how I knew it would but it still feels like I broke up with someone. How do you date someone and not really realize it? We went and hung out with our friends after and the dynamic between us changed drastically. Instead of next to each other we hung to the opposite ends of the group. When we left we didn't say goodbye or make plans to even speak to one another.

I am still adamant in my stand that I want to be single. Dating is not a good place for me to be at this point. In fact, it might wear me out. This all sounds very selfish and cold. But it is how it has to be, at least for now.

On a ligther note, I wanted to share some pics with you guys. These have been taken over the course of the past few months but I havent posted until now. These are my friends. The people that hold me up, pick me up when I am down, and share in the joy and laughter that life has brought my way. ENJOY!!!