REALLY Random Thoughts

My office is across the street from a middle school here in Dallas and often I can hear the high pitched squeeling of exuberant children playing during recess. (I don't remember this activity in the 8th grade, so maybe Arkansas decided none of that for us). Anyway, at 3 oclock everyday there is a plethera of traffic, buses, and running children causing traffic jams around my block.

As I stood on the balcony outside my office today I began to wonder, what it would be like to be one of those parents picking up their child. This is probably the first time that I have ever wondered about being a parent and all of the responsibility that it brings. A lot of my friends are getting married and some of them even are having children and what makes them more prepared for that task than me.

Readers of this blog, I am sure will know that I am not the biggest fan of children. Small children unnerve me and I don't really know how to act around them. I guess this could be called intimidation. It could also have to do with the fact that my mother mainly, raised me and spoke to me as though as I was an adult as far back as I can remember. There were things that were expected of me and I just did them. I knew how to act in a social setting with adults. Most of the time I sat in awe as the grown ups talked about subjects I knew nothing about but I was an eager and willing sponge for that information.

I have a seven year old neice of whom I rarely see because she lives in Arkansas. When she was little she was very very shy and almost scared of me but everytime I came over my sister-in-law would tell me that Mackenzie would run to the window and say "Uncle Bitt is here" and get very excited. Once I was in the house and around her though she would hide around her mothers leg and had very little interaction with me. I wonder if I put off some sort of "stay away" vibe to small children almost as a repeallant.

All of this musing has caused me to recall the events of my own childhood and wonder how hard it was to raise me. For the most part I was a caring and responsible child. I didn't make insane demands on my parents although sometimes my wishes were a little far fetched. It has made me truly have a new appreciation for the struggles and sacrifice that both of my parents went through to provide me the life that I wanted and thought that I was deserving. When I was 15 I got a hardship license. Even though I really didn't HAVE a hardship, I still wanted one so that I could drive alone. My mother rarely let me use it. I think that she MAY have let me do it once. As my 16th birthday approached there was lots of talk about a car and what kind I wanted.
I got a car the day before my birthday. One of which was probably more than I needed but it was what I wanted and my mother was willing to ablige and pay for it, insurance and gas for nearly five years.

Off to college and I had to join a fraternity and that I know cost a fortune because I was asking for the money. The parties, the clothes, the dating, and the other various luxuries I was afforded and it was all financed by my parents. Its incredible, looking back on it, the ease in which I would spend $500 on new clothes and not worry at all about where it was going to come from, I knew that it would be there. I have thanked and thanked and thanked my mother for her support when I was in college and the time before but I begin to wonder. Would I be willing to make the same sacrifices? Living by myself and supporting myself, I am a cheap bastard. I try and not spend a lot of money and often hord it into a hidie hole for some event that will never come.

I bought a new pair of sunglasses, okay a pair of really expensive extravagant sunglasses. Two days later, I bought a new car. As soon as I bought the glasses I was riddled with guilt and then after the new car purchase I was so pained I had to take them back because they were about a car payment. If I am not willing to make sacrifices for myself, how could I make them for a child?

I am not having a child, don't plan on having a child, or even dating anyone. These are all just thoughts that I have while I should be working. Interesting the way that my brain works, right?