The move is over....thank god. I have discovered people that I have the utmost respect for, MOVERS. After all of the expenses that I incurred recently I decided that I would rent a U-haul and move all of my stuff myself. BAD IDEA!!! While it was certainly less of a financial burden, I don't want to even begin to discuss the physicall costs of myself and my sainted friends, Paige and Justin. We got everything loaded up and moved to the new place and it is finally coming together. The next step is paint on the walls. I cannot STAND living with white walls, I liken it to living inside of a fridge.

The after effects of making big changes in my life seem to be smacking me directly in the face as we speak. It seems that when I make big moves and changes my mental health falls directly into the toilet. The stress of taking on a new car payment, more expensive living arrangements, and the costs that are associated with all of that have thrown me into a tailspin. I suddenly realize that I have the patience and attention span of a three year old. Things that normally wouldn't bother me at all suddenly begin tap dancing on my last nerve and the tidal wave of mental anxiety begins to wash over me and leak into every crevice of my life. I don't want to see anyone, I try and avoid social situations because of the aggrivation factor involved. I spend a lot of time alone, doing nothing, left with my thoughts.

I have discovered that when faced with emotional trauma, I file it in the very back of my mentaility and avoid actually dealing with the pain and/or problem. Instead of facing it, dealing with it, and moving on from it, I seek out the problems of my friends which for some reason seem to give me relief. This has to have something to do with the fact that it is easier for me to deal with my friends drama rather than face mine, after all the solving of these problems affect my life in no way, shape, or form other than the general care I have about my friends well being. What seems to be happening is that in my quest to forget about my own emotional luggage, (albeit Louis Vuitton), I pile so much in the back of my mind that it stacks and stacks until I reach eruption. This eruption is never all at one time, it stretches out over a long period of time as all of the bags come tumbling down around me. Each piece of emotional baggage that falls pushes me deeper and deeper into my own seclusion until I don't see anyone or do anything. My social life suffers, my friends wander why I have disappeared and anyone involved any deeper without knowing me well, can begin to question the sincerity of the relationship that we have.

In conjuction with the 'checked baggage' I have the normal everyday grind that wears me down even more. My office begins to see work and paper pile upon my desk for when I am depressed I am less prodcutive, obviously. I have an appointment with my therapist for tomorrow afternoon which is not a moment too soon.

Of course, when all of this is drugded up I begin to think about Michael. Don't ask me why my own brain wants to defy what I have already put to rest but for some reason he is on my mind. The last time that we spoke in any form was through an email about a month ago. He was short and of course it made me wander as to why. The failure of a relationship, even one that I have seemingly recovered from, always sticks with me for a long time. This one has at least. It seems as though I am less likely to open myself up. I have built the wall that people always discuss as such as problem in relationships. The issue is that I KNOW that I have put this wall up around me and no matter how much I try to bring it down, it always comes back rather swiftly. I remember fondly the feelings, nervousness, and intense emotions that raced through my veins when Michael and I saw each other again after so many years. The months and months of those emotions that followed stick with me. That has always been my own personal sign of romantic interest. Your heart beats just a little faster, your palms sweat just a little bit, and the all telling sign, my right hand starts to cramp from nervousness energy. Since January, nothing. Not even the slightest double thump from my heart, no sweaty palms, and no cramps. Obviously this means simply one thing, that I haven't found the kind of relationship that is going to birth a deep rooted love. The love that everyone hopes for once in their lives. The question being, if you have loved like that once, can you feel the same if not stronger love about someone else? How much time does it take for that to come back? When does this wall disappear and my emotions make themselves visible to someone?

Have I really regained full use of my heart?