A Yukon Scrotum

It started off innocently enough. After a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday at home with my friends and family I set off back to Dallas at about 4 pm Sunday afternoon. On the way home, there was heavier traffic but nothing to terribly different than a normal holiday.

At about 7 pm I was shocked to find myself behind what appeared to be a normal everyday GMC Yukon but what upon furthur inspection would turn out to be an unbelievably gross exaggeration. For you see, under the normal facade of a former Marine Corps sticker on the rear window was a large blue plastic 'i assume' scrotum swinging from the trailer hitch.

Upon furthur review I could NOT beleive what I was looking at. It seems as though this person purchased a large blue plastic scrotum and purposely placed in on the trailer hitch of the car. For what purpose I did not understand and even through LOTS of contemplation I could never come up with an explanation.

It was incredible but what I find to be even more insane is that the passenger in the car was a WOMAN. True, she was only a passenger not the driver but still, WHAT WOMAN WOULD ALLOW HER HUSBAND TO DO THAT? Every woman I know would have a heart attack and fall over dead before they allowed themselves to ride in a vehicle that appeared to have testicles. This was beyond my imagination. Furthermore, what is the purpose of this? Are these supposed to represent the testicles of the truck? Because cars are objects, they do not have sexual organs. Or a more likely explanation, were they supposed to represent the scrotum of the owner/operator because if you will remember, it was a BLUE scrotum and as a man, that is NEVER good.

Anger and Alcoholism

Last night, against my better judgement, I watched the final episode of the Real World Austin on MTV. I know most people who are reading this will probably stop at my mention of the TIRED and overdone show but kudos to those who continue.

PS. Do you remember Kudos the candy bar? OH MY GOD, I havent thought about those in years, oooh why am I such a fat ass?

Typically I like the Real World. I get connected with the people or at least one of them, probably because they are my age and going through similar life experiences. I found this season to be completely different and almost unbearable.

First, they do ONE thing. They drink. I don't mean that they drink occassionally or even socially. They drink like its their job, Betty Ford style. Every night they were out at a bar in Austin called the Dizzy Rooster. Now I have never been to Austin and probably won't make it there BUT I am sure that they have more than one bar. I never did understand the 'only go to one bar mentality.

Plus, and maybe this is just old age speaking how does one do that everynight, too many glasses of wine and I can't drink for weeks.

Anyway, one of the players, Wes second from the right in the above pic (whom I can't stand by the way) was trying to get up on this girl Wren all season. It worked but off camera and no one watching knew about it until last night. Apparently one of the roomies told Wren that they knew that she was a hoe and that she had gotten up on Wes. So drama naturally ensues

When they got back to the house lots of screaming happens and then another roommate, Nehemiah, second from the LEFT in the above pic, got in the middle of it. First of all, I CANNOT stand him. Are you seeing a common theme here? He is one of those militant people who is very aggressive and tends to hit people when he has been drinking. He is loud and annoying and even got arrested for his antics. He got in the middle and started screaming and yelling and acting in general like a lunatic. All of this the day before they are to leave the house. Sad really.

I guess that point that I was getting to is this, I remember when the Real World was cutting edge and they said and did things that had never been seen or heard on TV before. They were the first to show a gay couple, that was normal. They were unapologetic about what they did and they got a huge following because of it. This season officially marks the end of my Real World watching. It was crap, to put it plainly. They drank and that was it. So what, I can drink anytime I want and I don't have to put up with the ridiculous behavior of 20 year olds who can't handle their liquor. So in short, or long, whichever way you look at it;

To the Real World casting directors,

NEXT TIME, GET A CLUE!!!!

To the cast of the Real World Austin, specifically Wes and Nehemiah;

CATCH A PLANE TO LA and CHECK INTO BETTY FORD OR GROW UP!!!!

The ALMIGHTY Gas Light

This is a story of ignorance, one of total and complete disregard for warning and the good of myself. Friends, the auto manufacturers in their attempt to make our lives an easier and more pleasant place to live installed a light on our dashboards. It is set to appear only when the vehicle that we are operating is almost our of gasoline.*(See picture above for example).

The problem is that with the majority of the cars that I have had over my lifetime that being three, the gas light has merely been a suggestion. For some reason Japanese car makers don't feel that you should have any sense of urgency when the light in their cars come on. The American manufacturers do quite the opposite.

When I was 19, my parents, in their immense wisdom bought me a Ford Mustang GT convertible. She was a beauty. Sapphire Blue with grey leather and a black top. The dream car for almost any 19 year male especially one who was a sophomore in college and a member of a fraternity. The only down side, Skyy (her name) was a GAS HOG!! All 8 cylinders did not help me out at the pump. One thing that Ford forgot while creating this car was a gas light all together.

'They were later installed on the Mustang'

One day as usual I was doing a bit of top down motoring and I had noticed that the fuel guage was creeping towards 'E'. I figured that when the light came on I would get gasoline. I drove like that for three days and it never came on. So, I started to worry and made my way towards that gas station. While sitting in traffic on the busiest street in Fayetteville, luckily next to a gas station, Skyy ran out of gas. No light, no warning, just a grumble and the engine quit. Thank god that she started up and had enough to get me to the station about 20 feet away. That I will tell you is the ONLY time that I EVER ran out of gas in my Mustang.

Fast forward a few years to last weekend. Now, I am again driving a foreign car, example below.I had been out to dinner and having drinks with friends and had misplaced the card that is required to get into the gate at my apartment complex. Since it was later than usual I decided to leave my car at the office and get it the next day. I walked to my apartment, went to sleep, and the next morning went to get my car. Keep in mind that I am slightly hungover, dressed in red athletic shorts, and a bright yellow t-shirt proclaiming me to be Pike Security. I get to my car and turn the key, nothing, she tries her best but alas nothing. So remembering that my gas light had been on the night before and I had ignored too long, I walked to the gas station that is around the corner to my house. The following conversation ensues:

Racetrack attendant:

Good morning, you look like you had fun last night, run out of gas on the way home? Chuckle.

Me: (not in good spirits)

Yeah, but I ran out of gas last night at after I got home.

Racetrack attendant:

How do you run out of gas after you get home?

Me:(again, NOT in good spirits)

I ignored my gas light and had enough gas to get home just not enough to start the car this morning.

Racetrack attendant:

where are you a bouncer?

Me:(very confused)

(realizing the shirt that I am wearing) Oh, no I'm not a bouncer, I'm an accountant.

Racetrack attendant:

(VERY ODD LOOK) have a good day sir.

Evidently, the attendant at the Racetrack around the corner from my house had nothing better to do but to investigate as to why I was buying a gas can and gas but had no car. So I get the gas take it back put it in the car and go BACK to the Racetrack, get an odd look from the attendant and then go to McDonalds for a well deserved grease fest.

Now, after all of this I still have been unable to find the little card that I swipe to get into my gate at home. So I decide that I will wait on someone and follow in behind them. Apparently at 9:30 in the morning on Sundays people at my apartment complex are only leaving not coming home. I sit and wait, and wait, and wait, for a good thirty minutes. After waiting for all of that time and NO ONE coming home I decide to be productive and clean out my car. Low and behold I find the card. No sooner than I find and am elated about the card FOUR cars decide to come home all at once. Now I know that had they come earlier I wouldn't have found my gate card but still.

This is a warning going out to all good auto purchasing and driving americans. Heed the low fuel warning lights message because you never know when it will become less of a suggestion and more of an emergency.

SHES AT IT AGAIN....

Poor Paris Hilton, I tell you, that girl just cannot stay out of trouble. This time she has gotten herself into a jam with her NEW greek shipping heir boyfriend, Starvos Niarchos. Apparently after leaving the new and highly trendy nightclub Element (my invitation obviously was lost in the mail) she and her 19 year old new bf hopped up in his 160,000 dollar Bentley Continental GT and then ran it into a truck trying to escape from the papparazzi.

Now all of the news that I have watched on this...

SIDEBAR....I think its nuts that we are reporting on a car accident that didn't involve any injuries, arrests, and seemed to be almost nothing.

...is asking if Paris and her entourage of people were given special treatment because of who they were. Well in a word, yes. Of course they were, but then again when was the last time you or I had the media waiting outside our offices when we left to get into our Nissans. Its comparing apples to oranges.

I have watched the tape of Paris and the group and they were literally being almost attacked by the photographers and cameramen. They couldn't leave the lot because there were people in front of them trying to get pictures of the group, blah blah blah.....It doesnt excuse him driving drunk but think about it in this way. He is worth about 100 trillion dollars and she is the empress of a major hotel family. Do you really think that they would EVEN remotely feel punished or bothered by having to pay a fine or lose their license. SO WHAT!!! Do you think that Paris actually HAS a license. I would bet not.

Yeah I agree that the police should done a little bit more than they did. Possibly called them a cab or made sure that the driver was sober enough to drive. The media is flashing all of this attention on the actual accident itself saying that they "fled the scene of a crime..."

Number 1: the only crime that was committed was the fact that they hood of a Bentley Continental GT was deeply scratched.
Number 2: Let me put about 20 cameras in your face for 23 years and then we will talk about what you would do..

GO PARIS!!!!!!

INTELLIGENT HUMOR

Sometimes, I think that I am the only one who gets some jokes. They are over peoples heads or you have had to have some sort of education to understand them. That is until I found this site, www.bustedtees.com , it is the greatest site for HYSTERICAL shirts. You have to read them carefully because the reason they are funny is because it takes everyday sayings or things and plays on that.

My particular favorite is a T-shirt that says "You have died of dysentary" over a covered wagon. This is because I remember playing an early computer game that was called The Oregon Trail and you would be playing along and then suddenly it would tell you that you were dead. No warning, you just die of dysentary. Funny to those who played it. Check it our for sure..

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