Random Thoughts and Raves

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Judith

GREAT NEWS!!! I have located and secured a new condo to live in with my buddy Blake. It has been a long and difficult road but finally it has come to an end. A client of mine has had a condo in the Oaklawn area of Dallas that has been sitting empty for a while and we noticed that when preparing his tax return this year. So, knowing that I needed a new trailer, Ron called and started negotiating a deal with him for me to lease it from him.

We went and looked at it last weekend and it is SO super cute. Correction, CAN be so super cute. It is quite apparent that someone with very little imagination or creativity lived there previously. It is a 60's building that has been updated with new appliances and the like. Of course, I am going to go in and paint, put rugs, art, etc. around and make it fabulous.

The interesting thing about it is the number of mirrors that are hanging on the wall. They arent necessarily FRAMED mirrors just big sheets of mirror on the wall. I am NOT a fan. I have never really cared for random mirrorness in my house. The MOST interesting one is on a wall in the living room that has another mirror about 1x1 in the center with a drawing of a woman sitting at a table brushing her hair. Always quick and thinking, Blake and I have named her Judith and she will sit in the wet bar area and watch over our stash of liquor.

It will be cute and it is a great size for the two of us. It is also WAY super cheap. We are talking $800 a month cheap. There are multiple half to a million dollar condos all around it. The neighborhood is AWESOME and try finding a 2 BR/BA in Oaklawn for that price. PLEASE!!!

Move in day is June 1 but we will get in there and clean and paint and all that probably before then since I have a key already. I will take before and after pics so that you can appreciate the intense amount of work that we are going to put in it. Its a great raw shell but will be a diamond when we get finished.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Emotional Absentee






This weekend proved to be slightly more challenging that I originally anticipated. Its amazing what can happen in a relationship when you aren't really paying attention. As you know, I have been completely against the idea of getting into a 'dating' like relationship because of the emotional trainwreck that my soul had become. There are other reason as well. For the last several months of my relationship with M, I carried the majority of the emotional weight. This extra load meant for me, exhaustion.

When you consider that I have only been in two relationships that would qualify as serious, it would make complete sense that I would be unprepared for this extra weight. Hence, the wall against relationships.

Over the past couple of months, I have been quasi-dating someone but never really considering it to be dating seriously. The term dating never really applied although looking back on it I can see how it probably should have because what is dating really anyway? Dinners, movies, the occassional kissing and groping probably qualifies as dating. Although the emotional responsibility that goes along with that was beginning to show up. That is where it had to stop.

We had dinner, he and I, on Saturday night. We went to a hot spot in Dallas, called Fuse, known for its rare and interesting fusion of Texas based food and Asian cuisine. The dinner was exceptional, the drinks as well, but the company turned slightly less than pleasant as the topic of 'us' was brought into question.

We have been sort of floating in this gray area for a while. More than friends but less than lovers and it had become quite obvious that it either needed to stop or be officially defined. Although the voices were never raised, the tempers and emotions flared because the standpoint that I had taken regarding this subject. I was and am not ready to become responsible for the emotions of anyone else besides myself. At 23, I still have a lot of single living to do. They may sound totally selfish and frankly, shitty, but it is the truth. Being unable to go on a date with someone or casually see someone is not something that I am ready to sign myself up for. There are always big risks in this kind of situation, especially with he and I. He has become an integral part of my group of friends. They all love him. I enjoy being around him. His personality is one that fits so well with my own that it is incredible to see. It fits well with all of our friends too.

So it gets complex. Feelings were hurt. It basically ended how I knew it would but it still feels like I broke up with someone. How do you date someone and not really realize it? We went and hung out with our friends after and the dynamic between us changed drastically. Instead of next to each other we hung to the opposite ends of the group. When we left we didn't say goodbye or make plans to even speak to one another.

I am still adamant in my stand that I want to be single. Dating is not a good place for me to be at this point. In fact, it might wear me out. This all sounds very selfish and cold. But it is how it has to be, at least for now.

On a ligther note, I wanted to share some pics with you guys. These have been taken over the course of the past few months but I havent posted until now. These are my friends. The people that hold me up, pick me up when I am down, and share in the joy and laughter that life has brought my way. ENJOY!!!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

REALLY Random Thoughts

My office is across the street from a middle school here in Dallas and often I can hear the high pitched squeeling of exuberant children playing during recess. (I don't remember this activity in the 8th grade, so maybe Arkansas decided none of that for us). Anyway, at 3 oclock everyday there is a plethera of traffic, buses, and running children causing traffic jams around my block.

As I stood on the balcony outside my office today I began to wonder, what it would be like to be one of those parents picking up their child. This is probably the first time that I have ever wondered about being a parent and all of the responsibility that it brings. A lot of my friends are getting married and some of them even are having children and what makes them more prepared for that task than me.

Readers of this blog, I am sure will know that I am not the biggest fan of children. Small children unnerve me and I don't really know how to act around them. I guess this could be called intimidation. It could also have to do with the fact that my mother mainly, raised me and spoke to me as though as I was an adult as far back as I can remember. There were things that were expected of me and I just did them. I knew how to act in a social setting with adults. Most of the time I sat in awe as the grown ups talked about subjects I knew nothing about but I was an eager and willing sponge for that information.

I have a seven year old neice of whom I rarely see because she lives in Arkansas. When she was little she was very very shy and almost scared of me but everytime I came over my sister-in-law would tell me that Mackenzie would run to the window and say "Uncle Bitt is here" and get very excited. Once I was in the house and around her though she would hide around her mothers leg and had very little interaction with me. I wonder if I put off some sort of "stay away" vibe to small children almost as a repeallant.

All of this musing has caused me to recall the events of my own childhood and wonder how hard it was to raise me. For the most part I was a caring and responsible child. I didn't make insane demands on my parents although sometimes my wishes were a little far fetched. It has made me truly have a new appreciation for the struggles and sacrifice that both of my parents went through to provide me the life that I wanted and thought that I was deserving. When I was 15 I got a hardship license. Even though I really didn't HAVE a hardship, I still wanted one so that I could drive alone. My mother rarely let me use it. I think that she MAY have let me do it once. As my 16th birthday approached there was lots of talk about a car and what kind I wanted.
I got a car the day before my birthday. One of which was probably more than I needed but it was what I wanted and my mother was willing to ablige and pay for it, insurance and gas for nearly five years.

Off to college and I had to join a fraternity and that I know cost a fortune because I was asking for the money. The parties, the clothes, the dating, and the other various luxuries I was afforded and it was all financed by my parents. Its incredible, looking back on it, the ease in which I would spend $500 on new clothes and not worry at all about where it was going to come from, I knew that it would be there. I have thanked and thanked and thanked my mother for her support when I was in college and the time before but I begin to wonder. Would I be willing to make the same sacrifices? Living by myself and supporting myself, I am a cheap bastard. I try and not spend a lot of money and often hord it into a hidie hole for some event that will never come.

I bought a new pair of sunglasses, okay a pair of really expensive extravagant sunglasses. Two days later, I bought a new car. As soon as I bought the glasses I was riddled with guilt and then after the new car purchase I was so pained I had to take them back because they were about a car payment. If I am not willing to make sacrifices for myself, how could I make them for a child?

I am not having a child, don't plan on having a child, or even dating anyone. These are all just thoughts that I have while I should be working. Interesting the way that my brain works, right?

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Not so single..

I think that I have discovered something that is REALLY super important. In my search and quest to get over Michael and heal and blah blah. All the shit that I have been shoving down your throat for the last three months has been in vain.

I am not single. I am in a relationship with someone who it constantly changing and challenging me. Someone who constantly makes me learn new things, test my limits, and honestly challenges my patience sometimes.

Myself. After all, isn't that the most important relationship of all. The one that you have with yourself.

So considered me married. And I couldn't do much better, even if I do say so myself.

B

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Back by Popular Demand

So I lied. I told all of you, my precious and loyal readers that as soon as tax season was over that I would be back to blogging and letting all of you in on the random rants and raves of the past few months. Well I needed a break, albeit a small one but still a break. After the 17th I wanted to sleep for a week and just lay up in the bed and drink wine and smoke cigarettes but alas, I had to go to Chicago with my mom. I say HAD TO like it was torture or something. Lol. Anyway, I hopped in the luxury import and headed to Little Rock because you can't fly direct on Southwest from Dallas Love to Chicago. Damn Wright Amendment. I wanted to fly with mom anyway so it all worked out.

I got into Little Rock and had made plans to have dinner with Micahel. Now, I know this does not sound like the most intelligent of plans. It actually kind of sounds self destructive but here is my reasoning. I needed closure. After being so head over for this man for years and years, we broke up ON THE TELEPHONE. I hadn't seen him since the beginning of January so it was needed for me to move past it.

I needed support of the friend as well as some liquid courage for this one so I went to my LR boy Robbie J.'s house for drinks on the farm. They rocked and the advice was really awesome. Robby is always good for a laugh or an encouraging word. So 730 rolls around and I am due at Capers for dinner.

It was strange to say the least. Michael looks exactly the same but there is something different. WAY different about the way that we interacted with each other. Obviously, I am not retarded I know that we are no longer intimate but it was almost a strained conversation. It was very light, full of fluff until he made a comment that really hurt my feelings and I was OVER it. That is what it took. Months of suffereing and crying and being all depressed and the one dinner that provided me with closure. I can't say what will become of a relationship that meant so much to me over that year but I do know one thing, Michael isn't the one for me. No matter how many times I felt that he was, he just isn't. There is something about me that is too much for him to handle I think. That is not a bad thing or a negative about him or I. Some people just arent equipped to handle a personality such as mine. I am overblown, dramatic, and proud of who I am. No matter what people think. Period. I spent a long time hiding who I was for fear that I would be rejected. I no longer fear that rejection and I need to be with someone who shares the same attitude.

So dinner, hurt feelings, closure, tears on Drews shoulder and sleep. I talked to Blakely for about an hour and we just worked it all out. We talked about he and I, about how this was MY breakup and that it was going to help. Sort of like pulling off a band-aid really quickly.

Off to Chicago.

I meet Mom at the airport and she instantly comments on how much weight I have lost. Well, it happens. We climb on the plane and take off the wonderful city of Chicago. It was INCREDIBLE. It is so busy and full of life. Everyone walking everywhere, listening to their iPods (EVERYONE), and smoking. Apparently, the big cities in the north did not get the memo that you are supposed to be ashamed if you are a smoker.

We went to all the museums and parks and the aquarium and of course COULD not miss out on the Magnificent Mile. The architecture in the city is so awesome that I found myself wandering around looking up. I mean a Starbucks in a one hundred year old building is REALLY cool. Went to Gucci and got myself a lil something something, thanks Debbie and wore myself out basically shopping all day.

I will post pics later but I just haven't had the time to get them up and done.

Now, the moment that I have been waiting for since I don't know FOREVER. I finally finally got a new car. Thank the GODS. No more rolling tomato. 2006 Scion tC. Hes metallic black, manual transmission (I HEART a standard like WHOA!!), graphite leather with red leather inserts and the iPod connection to the stereo. SO EXCITED!! Of course, I am NOT excited about my payment but I will get over it. Its a necessary evil and I make enough money, so I am not worried about it. I went and picked it up on Saturday and hes got to go back to the dealer for accessory installation sometime this week. SO EXCITED!!!! I can't tell you, did I mention that I was excited.

For now, its back to work. I will try my hardest to keep up with the blogging but in the mean time you can check out my website. www.myspace.com/manseinthehamptons.
Its full of current pics of me and the friends that I reun around with. Also, you can check out our nod to Romy and Michelles High School Reunion. www.myspace.com/wearetheagroup

Those are my kids.

LOVE YOU ALL!!!