Random Thoughts and Raves

Thursday, July 27, 2006

I HATE BLOGGER RIGHT NOW. HUGE POST, LOTS OF GOOD POINTS ALL GONE. HELLS BELLS

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

The Age of ?

When did 28 become the new 18? In my short travels through there have always been certain ages that marked accomplishments, a sort of checkpoint in the travels to adulthood. At sixteen we learn to drive and get a license, some people even get a car resulting in at least a small amount of freedom from your parental units. At 18, you graduate high school and head off into the world of college, adulthood, etc. You begin to learn how to subsist on your own. The decisions that you are faced with are yours and yours alone to make with very little input from your parents.

As you continue to age, these 'checkpoints' release more and more of the freedoms that were once totally controlled and held by your parents. You get to drink, date, make your own money and in my case spend it.

So when did all of the sudden, the transition into adulthood get moved back a decade? When I was 18 I struck off on my own to a new city to make new friends and forge a new life. Sure it was mostly financed by my parents, bless their overspent hearts, but it was still my life. I was learning and growing, making the decisions that would later form me into the man that I have now become. My mother especially was always there to try and help guide me in the best possible way but at some point she let go and began to let me do me.

I have noticed the trend in my generation in which all kinds of responsibility; emotional, financial, and the like are no longer being looked upon in the late teens early twenties era but more in the late twenties to early thirties era. In previous generations, i.e. that of both of my brothers they were individual and forced to face the realities of adulthood at around 21 or 22. Well, lets say for ONE of my brothers. Nate was married and expecting a baby when he was 25. He had a family to support, had settled down with one woman, had a steady well paying ADULT job and was a man.

I think that a lot of this may have to do with the gay community in general. To understand the psyche of a gay person in todays world you have to understand that for the most part, we were suppressed for years and years. Unable to be the people that we really wanted to be, we become somewhat developmentally retarded. It is a common practice for gay men, I know, (lesbians lemme know if this is true for you as well) to go through the party/slut period. This is the time in which apparently we must make up for all those years of going out and being seen and being able to sexually express ourselves that we missed by conforming to societies view of what the 'norm' is thought to be. (I know I shouldn't end a sentence in a preposition but its midnight and I can't think that hard right now)

It is then made to be okay by everyone around us that at 23 or 24 we are partying all the time, having copious amounts of sex with random strangers that we meet in a bar or on the internet, and in general having a total void of emotionally responsibility to ourselves let alone the people that are in our lives. Me first, I will deal with you later. We numb ourselves and our emotions by fililng our body with drugs, alcohol, and countless other toxins that all perform the same function, to help us escape from the emotional hell that we place ourselves in each and every day.

My question is this, how does a 24 year old gay man living in a city like Dallas accept the fact that instead of numbing himself (for too long) he listened to the generations before him and somewhere along the way grew a heart and a conscience?

Monday, July 17, 2006

Quote of the Day

Yesterday I was talking with a friend of mine and my new favorite quote arose...

"In order to pick up my life, I had to put down the vodka"

Carrying both of them proved to heavy for me.

Life is great.

Not so much home anymore...

This weekend was a bit strange and somewhat difficult to describe but as usual, I will do my best. I traveled to Arkansas on Friday, somewhat excited about the weekend. I had not been home in several months, had not seen my LR friends in the same time and was looking forward to visiting with some old friends and meeting some new ones. A friend of mine has been wanting to introduce me to a friend of his for quite some time. We have talked via the internet for quite a while and he is a really great person, so I was looking forward to finally hanging out after months of talking and laughing over the net. He wasn't feeling so hot on Friday and wound up being pretty ill so it was not to be but I was there mostly to see my mom and have a good time with her.

Saturday was the spa day which was great. I am always a fan of being pampered. Pamper me and then let me loose on the world with my credit card and we have the makings of an absolutely fabulous day. We lunched, we shopped and generally had a great time. Saturday night was interesting. After deciding that my host and hostess, LOL, were going to stay at home and watch home improvement shows I decided that I was going to need to get out of there. I went to a BBQ that a friend of mine was attending and met some really interesting people. Its amazing the clarity that comes with sobriety and also the complete feeling of control when you are able to carry on an intelligent conversation for longer than two seconds and the topic is NOT about luxury linens from Pottery Barn.

sidenote: I havent ever really carried on a drunken conversation about luxury linens from Pottery Barn but I am currently ordering my 1000 thread count sheets from there complete with HBC monogram on the duvet cover. LOVE IT!!! Thanks Mom.

Anyway, all of this is leading to a point I promise. IN life, we make a lot of decisions and sometimes we go into thesae with some trepidation and angst. When I moved to Dallas two years ago I moved here confidant that I was making the right choice only to be followed by feelings of home sickness and regret. Dallas was not Little Rock, I had very few friends
(read: 1) and I missed being the social butterfly that I had been in Little Rock. Of course, this was compacted when I started dating Michael and was there every five minutes. Its difficult to find friends and form relationships with people when you aren't present. While I have an awesome spiritual presence, I think that my physical form is much more interesting. Anyway, after Michael and I broke up and I started making friendships I began to slowly realize that the universe was showing me that I had made the best choice by moving here. While I of course miss my family and friends that I had in Little Rock, I miss my family and friends that I have made here even more when I am gone.

This weekend sort of sealed the deal. While I love seeing all my old friends, its quite obvious to me at least that I have outgrown Little Rock, almost like those favorite pair of jeans that you wear for years and years. Then one day you reach for them and they dont fit anymore. Little Rock doesn't fit anymore. Not a bad thing, not a good thing, just a fact of my life. There are things that I have gained interest in and most of them don't have much place there.

It will always be good to go back but it will be better going forward into the future of the place that I now consider my complete home, Dallas.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Multiples of 5

Don't ask me what the title of this blog is about because truly I have NO idea. I was sitting here thinking about what to name it and suddenly multiples of five popped into my head. Who knows? I also have this big fear that I am going to misspell popped as pooped and suddenly the sentence takes on a whole new meaning.

I finished my Four Agreements book and it has brought me to a whole new level of inner peace. Something about being impeccable with my word and creating my own heaven within my spirit is very uplifting and hopeful.

I had the mindshrinking yesterday and I think that I figured out some serious questions in my life. It seems that alot of people always ask the same question, why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Are we just pawns in a much larger game of chess, put here simply for the amusement of a higher power? I think that as we grow older, or at least as I do, I believe that everyone has a different purpose. They have different roles in life and they are put here for different purposes but mostly to bring joy to the lives of the people that surround them. Moms, sons, daughters, best friends etc. I truly am beginning to believe that my reason for life, why I am here is to learn about myself. If the philosophies are true (did I spell that right?) and the most significant and important relationship that we have in life is the one that we have with ourselves then why not spend my life learning about who that self actually is?? Of course, bringing joy to other peoples lives is just as important but why not be what society considers a little selfish and spend time with you.

As we go through our lives we have what everyone considers to be successes and failures but are these definitions the actual truth? If we set out to try and do something and we do not complete or 'succeed' in our task but learn something, have we acutally failed or have we made a significant contribution into the purpose of our lives.

There are many things that I could and have considered to be 'failures' in my life. The more important fact is not that I have had these but that after the theoretical failure I learned something new about myself, what I like and dislike, what I can and cannot understand and/or settle for, the truth behind what makes Britt, Britt.

The new leaf that I have begun to turn over, leaves me feeling refreshed, energized, and confident that I can and will be 'successful' in my life. All of the things that allow me to exist i.e. job, money, house, etc. are just bonuses because I have found that sleep comes easier, tasks are more pleasant and I am an easier person to be around in general.

I think that going home to Little Rock this weekend will be an even furthur push into my new outlook on my life.

There was a time, not that long ago, that I could not see what everyone else saw. This is not one of those 'my mom tells me I am the cutest kid ever' things. I was truly unable to see the good in me. Of course, we are always our own worst critics.

When summed up by friends and family I am relatively far ahead of where a 23, almost 24, year old should be. I have a good job, am intelligent, relatively good looking, and for the most part a positive person. The outlook that I am gaining is allowing me to see myself for the love that I possess and that I place in other peoples heart.

When I was a senior in high school my mother wrote something that will more than likely stick with me forever. When asked about my first accomplishment she referred to a dark period in her life, after her father had passed away. I was six months old when he passed and she had been busy getting ready for the funeral. She walked into my room and I had pulled myself up on the side of my crib for the first time. There was a twinkle in my eye and a huge grin on my face. She laughed as did my brothers. My life throughout my high school years were faced with mostly this same attitude.

I was a happy person. Always willing to help and or bring pleansantness to those that were around me.

So long story short, if a man owns happiness and is willing to share it with the world what can he not accomplish. As I embark on my life from here into the future, by facing it with this attitude, what can I not accomplish???

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Four Agreements and Sex and the City on Demand

Sobriety has brought a whole new outlook on my life. I spent the weekend quite sober and it was wonderful to not wake up with a hangover. I felt much more productive than I would have had I just gotten shitty drunk. Although I never really understood shitty drunk. Anyway.

Last week I started a book called the Four Agreements, its something to learn for sure. I wish that I could aptly begin to describe or provide you with a synopsis of its core but I don't seem to be able to do that and convey the same message. Therefore, you should go buy it, right now.

I'll wait.......

.......


......

Okay, got it? Good. Now start reading it because it is beginning to reshape the way in which I think about my everyday life and the world that I live in. I have never felt more in control of my body, mind, and soul. I think its a combination of having a clear head and also trying to enlighten myself through spiritual thoughts. I just feel more confident in myself and this is a good thing.

On to different news, my loving condo is now PAINTED.

correction: the LIVING ROOM is now painted

I found that with Comcast Digital Cable and HBO I have HBO On Demand. Thank you to Dylan for pointing this out. So last night after being frustrated to the point of insanity with the wreck my house is in, I swore before myself and God that I would FINISH THE LIVING ROOM, no matter how long or how taxing it was. And suffice to say, though exhausted and somewhat sore today, it is COMPLETE!!! YAY for me. Now onto the office and my bedroom. No doubt Sex and the City will be present for every drop of paint that hits the wall until the whole place is done. I have also come up with a drawn plan for my patios landscaping. Its going to be tough, sweaty work, which by nature, I reject but according to my friend JJ, I am nesting and it feels good. After floating through life for almost two years and never really feeling rooted I have now dug down deep and made my roots on Holland Avenue. My boss Ron apptly said that when it was done I was going to live in a little jewel box. I am so EXCITED I can't even see straight.

This weekend marks almost four months since I have gone back to Little Rock so I have planned a weekend up there with friends and my mom. Mani/pedis are on the agenda as well as a massage and I CAN NOT WAIT. After the up and down rolling excitement that I have experienced I am sore and feeling worn out. An 1 and 1/2 massage is just what this Dallas queen ordered. As soon as I get the furniture placed and the art hung I will take some pics and post so you guys can share in my joy.

Wishing everyone well and if you havent already bought the book, DO IT DO IT. Its The Four Agreements and it will open your mind.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Tour of Duty

Thats it, I have discovered it. I am in hell.

LOL.

No not really but I have come somewhat close to it.

My therapist totally called it when I decided to make the break with my once painful lover, liquor, that I would no longer find the same activities amusing. Last night I had a going away party to attend. I would have rather I don't know paved Interstate 30 with one inch tile from beginning to end than show up but I have to stay social. So I go, I'm there, blah.....

I left the party and met the rest of the crew out on the strip and partook of water. Me drinking water, while everyone I am with drinks copious amounts of lliquor does NOT make for a good time for Britt. Don't get me wrong I mean I don't mind that people are drinking around me, that bothers me none. The ridiculous behavior that ensues is what irritates me. For some reason girls tend to believe that they must shreik for some reason. I am not particularly sure as to WHY this is a necessary activity but it seems to be.

I am still secure and confidant in my decision to give up liquor. I doubt that I will give it up for life but certainly for a few months.


Lets face it, I was overindulgent. Okay forget overindulgent I was borderline Betty Ford okay. God, I hate it when you judge me.

OH!!! So Ron (the boss) leaves for the weekend right to go to Florida or California or Wisconsin I don't know I wasn't paying attention but whatever, so I am housesitting and watering plants and decide that I am going to use the scale. We all know how I feel about those. Satans earthly form.

So anyway, I use the scale. What I see reading back at me has to be some sort of HORRIBLE lie. 194, there is NO way that I weigh 194. I was thinking more of the 210. So I guess it has to be the truth or at least I am just going to choose to believe it.

Tonight, I am going to do something that I havent done since I was 12 and my mom asked me if I was going to the Marilyn Manson concert, STAY AT HOME. That is insane I know for a mid-20s untroll like gay man to do while living in Dallas. I need some serious me time.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Look Mom no hands

Good Morning, Evening, or Afternoon whichever applies to you just use it. It has been quite a while since I blogged and I am trying this new thing. I am going to try and blog everyday, I mean I really have no excuse not to. Lets jump into life shall we?

The move to the condo is complete I think that it was the last time that I blogged. I immediately starting painting because we all know my feeling about white walls. I, in my wisdom, decided that I wanted to paint my living room a deep red color......

Side note: If you MUST do this, hire someone. It has taken me 5 gallons and countless hours to paint and I need another gallon. Gross.

The painting is going fine but the walls are textured and so of course the paint is sticking differently and looking splotchy in some spots. I will have to spend quite a bit of time touching up but it will be fabulous when its done. I painted the ceiling a tanish color and the doors and of course all the trim. This is an extensive project because more than likely I am going to buy this condo. Its in a great neighborhood and I can get it for a CHEAPO price, relatively speaking. Its a good place to start. Next I have to paint the office and my bedroom. While everyone I know basically is screaming for me to hire someone to do it, I have some sort of emotional connection with my house if I do it myself. So instead of hiring a 100$ a day man to do it. I am suffering through it. I am anxious for it to get done so I can stop living in the 'blue tape, furniture in the middle of the room, plastic on the floor, paint brushes and cans everywhere' place that it has become. Soon enough, patience is a virtue or so they say. Aside from the painting I am also going to take on landscaping. You just WOULD NOT believe how gross the patio is, therefore, I am going to throw some 'fairy dust' on it and whip it into shape. All of this has to be done before my b-day in late August because I want to have the housewarming situation combined with my birthday and I REFUSE to have it in an unfinished house.

Next on the list, the new car of which I am posting MY actual red leathered black beauty up on here. So here are the pics. ENJOY!!!















And there you have it folks, thats the little baby that gets 32 mpg and gets me to work and back everyday. Mostly so I can make the payment. LOL. But whatever.

Moving on, I have decided in conjunction with my therapist that its time for me to stop drinking. For the past few months its been getting slightly out of control and I think that its just time for me to stop. The ultimate goal is a year, 90 days is my short term goal and I am just gonna do it. I am encouraged, to say the least. I am ready to do something with my weekends besides being drunk and then hungover, its tacky. She says after three months I will feel like a totally different person and probably have a totally different group of friends which I sort of can see and can't see. I mean i love my friends but if I wanna eat breakfast at 9 on Saturday morning they are probably not going to want to do that, the drunk bitches. Anyway, that is about all that is going on here in the Big D. Pics of Judith to come. Hope everyone is well.