1 2 3 Divorce

Driving down the ever entertaining Oaklawn avenue today I saw something that has no doubt been there for years but I have never paid attention to until today.

(For those of you who have not frequented Dallas OR Oaklawn Avenue, let me paint a picture for you. By day it is just like any other normal big city street, lots of cars, people trying to avoid being made into a Chrysler hood ornament, things of that nature. By night it magically turns into the homosexual wonderland in which one can see any number of things including but not limited to, men dressed as women badly, men dressed as women that look more like women than your girlfriends, people carrying wigs, men dressed like superheroes, "African Man" and the occassional transvestite prostitute leaned up against the bus stop trying to look sexy.)

Why, you ask if all of that can be seen, would I be shocked by ANYTHING on this particular street? Well, I drove by a business called, 1 2 3 DIVORCE. The sign exclaiming :

"Your divorce settled in as little as 14 days or its free"

Are you kidding me with this? Now we have a money back guarantee on the sanctity of marriage? Are there people who are really so antsy to get divorced that they would ACTUALLY go to a place called 1 2 3 DIVORCE? I can't imagine that they have the highest quality of attorneys working in this establishment. Can you imagine working there? This business has basically done nothing but cause me to have question after question about it all? Do you get a gift with purchase like at the Lancome counter in Dillards or just a free divorce if it isnt settled in 14 days??

As you can imagine this confused me to no end and almost caused an innocent pedestrain to become a Nissan hood ornament.

The End of an Era.....

TODAY is 23. Frightening as it seems, it is here and came with a similar attitude that arrived with 22. Its odd and sometimes funny how you always feel a since of renewal on your birthday almost like with every birthday you are born again, facing the world with a completely refreshed attitude that the previous age had given up on long ago.

Today is the beginning of a new year. Most people celebrate their new year on January 1st but isnt your birthday more of a so called "new year". I mean really consider what a birthday. Its the day that you came into the world. Attitudes and opinions fresh and prejudice free from the world. You brought hope to the people around you that you would grow into a respected and well adjusted individual. So I look at my birthday as a day to reflect and to hope. Its refreshing to look at my future in the same way that my parents looked at it when I was born. From this day forward I can do anything that I want. I can accomplish whatever it is that I set my mind to.

When I was a senior in high school, my brother wrote something in the ad in the back that has always stuck with me. He wrote that now (then) was the time to begin to forge myself into a man that others strive to imitate. Theres a goal, now go for it.....

Goodbye 22, you were okay, hello 23, heres hoping that we can do better this time around.

Pat Robertson and the Wicked Witch of the West

I had to do it. I would like to apologize in advance for blogging about such an overdone story but I can't help it

Horrified I think is not quite strong enough to describe my reaction to the recent comments from Pat Robertson, the once leader of the Christian Coalition and the host of the famed 700 Club talk show. His suggestion that the United States "take out" the Venezuelan president not only confuses me to no end but brings up another question one must ask themselves,

Should idiots be allowed to talk publicly on the television??

Now I realize that in our lifetimes, myself included in this, that people say stupid things, I would at this point like to reference a quote from a friend of mines sister, who is in colllege....

"4 out of 3 people are bad at fractions"

While this comment could possibly top one of the most hysterical things that I have ever heard of it in no way affected American society. It may have caused worry about Arkansas' institutions of higher learning but in no way caused a backlash of public opinion or had the potential to cause major international conflicts.

Where the problem lies is that when people say stupid things once or twice its okay you laugh it off but then when they say idiotic things over and over again, especially on TV, you have to begin to wonder if someone, such as a producer or editor, shouldn't pay attention to the bonehead things that they are saying and prevent them from being made public.

Just to reference a couple of things that Mr. Robertson has said in the past BESIDES the recent, Take him out comment.......


"He has suggested in the past that a meteor could strike Florida because of unofficial "Gay Days" at Disney World"

Feminism caused women to kill their children, practice witchcraft and become lesbians.

In the first place I didn't know that Pat Robertson had any knowledge of any meteors or other space objects such as that hurdling towards earth. In the past I have heard nothing about a meteor or any other natural disaster coming towards Disney World anytime near Gay Days. I know that he was referring to the rath of God because a large group of sinners are in one place at one time but seriously Pat, Disney World is the happiest place on Earth, give us a break would ya??

Second, a murderous, witchcraft practicing lesbian would be quite amusing. Can't you imagine?? For some reason I just imagine the wicked witch of the west dragging around that worn out broom and ordering monkeys around.
I don't know if she was a lesbian but she certainly practiced witchcraft.

I have met multiple feminists and I don't think a single one of them practiced witchcraft, was a lesbian or looked like the WW of the West. Sorry, Pat, wrong again.

It all boils down to this fact, I think that if you are a public figure such as Mr. Robertson and you are regarded by many as a wonderful man you should not suggest that our country murder other countries leaders. Even if he is a dangerous man who is going to make Venezuela the breeding ground for Muslim extremism. Sorry, Pat, wrong again.

Just a thought for you to ponder, who do you think would win a fight between a feminist, witch, lesbian a.k.a Condi Rice and Pat Robertson?? Something to think about.

The downfall of American society, THE HUMMER

I would like to take this oppurtunity to let everyone who is reading this blog in on the secret of the downfall of American society.

While some people may see it as the Republican party, some people may see it as greedy oil companies, and some (while wrong) may see it as homosexuals being able to marry, I would like to point out the REAL AND TRUE downfall, THE HUMMER H2. (picture right)

In case you have not had the oppurtunity to experience this monstrosity let me begin to describe what it is like to drive next to one, especially if said vehicle is being navigate by a 5 foot tall 100 pound woman talking on the phone and applying her eyeliner.

It is similar to that of being in a windstorm while driving next to a semi-trailer. You fear for your very existance because at any moment the giant beast could swerve into your lane and cease your very life. It is like being stuck in an elevator, claustrophobia begins to set in and heavy breathing and profuse sweating accompanies the fear that you may not make it out alive.

This blog stems from the fact that I have seen more of these vehicles in the past few days than I think is truly necessary. Lets start with the plain and simple facts shall we;

According to Hummers website the H2 starts its pricing structure just short of 55,000 but that my friends does NOT include certain luxuries one cannot live without such as air conditiong and floor mats. I am sorry but for 55000 bucks you better give me some damn A/C. What it does have are some pretty impressive numbers in the capabilities section. Just keep in mind that if you live on a farm or pull a horse trailer or a camper etc. these numbers might come in handy and make this giant truck worth the almost 60K you would have to spend to procure one, with A/C that is.

The Payload max is 2200lbs and the towed load max is 6700 lbs while the winch capacity is 9000 lbs. So you could throw 2200 pounds of crap in the back while pulling a 6700 lbs trailer or you could pull a 9000 lbs something out of the mud or the ground with the winch. Pretty impressive for those people who need a good around the farm truck.

Here is the kicker, how many H2s have I seen performing that type of work. Even pulling a boat or a camper, NONE!! In all of my time spent on the road between LR and Dallas I have seen numerous H2s but most of them are parked at the mall or at the Wal-Mart or being driven by suburban house wifes who think that its cute.

That is the first scenario, the second is that a man who is uncomfortable with his sexual prowess has decided that in order to prove his manhood he has to drive the GIANT vehicle to feel as though he is a real man. He is typically an investment banker who wears a suit everyday to work and lives in some sprawling McMansion in the middle of a trendy neighborhood but his H2 certainly does make him feel like a big strong man, doesn't it??

I would also like to point out at this juncture that figuring on an average price of 2.60 a gallon it costs about 85.00 dollars to fill this joker up AND you have to do it about twice a week. Meanwhile my Nissan costs 35.00 to fill up and I can do it once every two weeks.

So the point, DOWN WITH THE HUMMER!!!!!!!!

I CAN'T TAKE IT..........

When did my generation become so obsessed with celebrities?? The gossip magazine business is a muti billion dollar a year industry and all it is are articles speculating on the sexuality of one star or who another star is having sex with currently or MIGHT be having sex with currently.

I can't say that I am not completely innocent of being fascinated by the lives of celebrities but only to a certain extent and certain celebs such as Tom Brady (quarterback for the New England Partiots and this months GQ cover man) and Paris Hilton (I know someone stop me now but its like a trainwreck you know you shouldn't look but you can't help but look at the ruins that lie before you.)

Tom Brady lives a seemingly normal existance. He is married to that girl that was on the Law & Order, Angie Harmon and they have some babies and maybe a horse or something I don't know. But he just wanders around in his hotness and husbands and fathers and plays football. Now that is the kind of celebrity gossip that I can deal with.

Paris is just a tragedy. From her ridiculous actions to her clothes to her SHAM of an engagement to that Greek shipping heir boy.

SIDEBAR: Why is it that their are so many Greek shipping heirs. Paris Hilton is dating one, Mary Kate Olsen is dating one, where did they all come from?? If you are Greek does that mean that you are by birth given the right at some point in your life to be titled a "Greek Shipping Heir".

Anyway, the American public has become celeb obsessed and spends no telling how much money and time involved in the countless drivel that mags like STAR! and USWeelkly put out.
Bennifer, Brajolina, and AniPitt WHO CARES?!?!?!? Meanwhile, they havent spoken to their own children in a week and don't realize that their spouse is having an affair with Tom Cruise.
He is gay, I don't care what anyone says.

The DMV continues

Today, August 19, 2005 will be a day that lives in my brain for possibly the rest of eternity. Again, in my quest to be responsible I decided to go to the Texas DMV and get my drivers license changed to a Texas DL. I once again drove WAY out to the middle of nowhere in order to get this taken care of, but sure to have all of the necessary documentation that is necessary. I went armed with my AR DL, University of Arkansas student Id, and my social security card.

Once inside the building you must approach the "bouncer" to procure your number. By bouncer I mean the disgruntled and quite dishelved woman at the counter. She scrutinized my Arkansas license and social security card as though they were counterfeit made in the back room next to the meth lab and then seemed irritated that not only did I have all the necessary documentation but had already filed out the application. She printed my number "A172" and pointed me to the room brimming with people who looked hot and angry.

In my lifetime I have typically tried to avoid people who look hot and angry but here I was putting myself in a room full of them. So I sat and waited and wondered how long the wait would be until I looked at the now serving # A096 on the screen and knew it was going to be a while.

An hour and forty five mintues later (hot and angry), my number was called and I went to counter '1' and gave all of the necessary documents to the employee who looked at my U of A ID taken five years ago and my Arkansas DL taken at the whopping weight of 250 and said

"Theres a big difference here"

Me:

Yeah well I gained a lot of weight in five years, thanks for noticing is this going to take long??

Her:

(evil look and a smirk) $24 dollars, read line 5 and stand behind the white line for your picture.

While I know that there is a huge difference in the 170 pounds that I was in 2000 and the 250 pounds I was in 2004 I also would have liked her to have said something slightly more positive, for example,

Her:

Wow, there is a big difference here, OH but I see this was taken in 2004 and you look so much more like the U of A id now.

Me:

Thanks.

Now wouldn't that have been slightly more appropriate than the YOU GOT FAT comment.

But anyway;

I completed all tasks that were requested and was sent away with a piece of paper heralding that I was licensed to drive in the state of Texas with the promise that the REAL id would be mailed to me and should be received in 2-4 weeks. Unlike the Arkansas DMV where you can see the horrid picture looking back at you in minutes I will have to wait 2-4 weeks to see what this one looks like.

Sometimes I miss Arkansas, I never thought the DMV would make me miss it, but sadly it did.

So now I am a semi-licensed driver and still an avid Tolltag user.

Black boxer briefs and my fall from the fashion elite

The other day I was in a waiting room and picked up a copy of the latest OUT magazine. It usually has some decent articles in it and I can usually get at least one small tidbit of advice from it on being the upstanding, responsible gay man that I am supposed to be.

This time was different. Towards the end of the magazine the article titled, 12 MUST HAVES FOR FALL caught my attention and so I checked out these can't live without, must have or death will be imminent items for the 20-something gay man. The items were what was expected, shirts, a tie, a blazer, jeans, etc. except for the last one. Apparently to make it through the fall season I MUST purchase a pair of BLACK boxer briefs. WHAT!??!?!?!?

Why is it that I must change my underwear choice to be in the fall fashion elite?? Who sees me in my underwear anyway?? Me and my boyfriend. I doubt very seriously that Michael will point and laugh the next time that he sees my underwear if they arent black boxer briefs and I couldn't care anyless about them, as long as they are clean then they could be purple and pink.

What we have here is plain and simple marketing GENUIS. The people at the underwear company got together with the people at OUT magazine and said lets trick the 20 something cosmopolitan homos into thinking that they must buy all new underwear. While I have a brain and a sense of what is and is not necessary I can block this marketing scheme. Who I am most concerned about are the younger more impressionable queens out there. They will see this and RUN to the store spending their hard earned money on a pair of 2xist black boxer breifs when they should really be saving that money for the lease payment on their Mercedes.

I say the answer to all of this is.......stop wearing underwear all together. REALLY hit those companies back where it hurts the most. If everyone stopped wearing underwear then maybe they might begin to realize that they can't control our minds with their insane marketing schemes. As far as OUT magazine goes, I hope all of your staff got free black boxer breifs for publishing that article.