Mind Ramblings

Tonight, as I was showering off the sand from my volleyball game my mind wandered to way back when. I tend to do this sometimes, think about the past and what might have been. This particular topic has come back to me more than once and perhaps the memory of it is greater than the actual event but its still great to have.

Back, years ago, when I was living in Fayetteville I met a guy. He was mysterious and almost suave. He was many years my senior, ten or twelve if I recall correctly. He got his hair cut at the salon that I was working for at the time and I always had this quasi crush on him. At some point, I got up the courage to give him my number and told him to call me. Suprisingly, he did.

I remember waiting in the living room of my apartment laying on the floor waiting for that number to pop up. It finally did and he asked me to dinner.

The night of the actual dinner will probably go down in my mind as my greatest date, ever. He picked me up and took me to a wonderful Italian place there in Fayetteville. My age was of the utmost concern to me because I was so young. Twenty seems so young. My wit and charm had helped me survive and avoid the inevitable question of my age to this point but when I mistakingly ordered a Coke to drink instead of liquor he knew. The question came, I gracefully declined answer and then finally confessed. He was shocked. I suppose that I was mature beyond my years even then. The conversation through dinner was smooth, confident and interesting. We went to an Irish pub down the street after dinner and then to the restaurant that he owned. It was closed but some of the staff was still there. I have to admit it was intoxicating to see the man that I was on a date with behind the bar dishing out drinks. Why, I will never know. What became more intoxicating was when all the staff was gone and we were locking up, he kissed me. It wasn't one of those halfway almost nervous, not really sure what is gonna happen kisses. It was a kiss. A full on, passion driven, no holds barred kind of kiss. I remember floating.

We didn't sleep together, well we did but we didn't have sex. I remember walking into his apartment and seeing books after books stacked waist high all around. It was thrilling to be in his world and surrounded by everything that he held near. I stayed at his house the next night and we saw each other a few more times but I met Brad shortly thereafter and I forsake all that I had with him and went down a different path.

It broke his heart.

For you see, he was an emotional creature, scared and vulnerable just like the rest of us. I never got over that, the knowledge that I had knowingly hurt someone and was so calous with his feelings and more importantly his heart.

I have seen him a few times since I left Fayetteville and it has always been sort of strained. I did apologize one night, very quietly, in his ear, while he was dining by myself. I didn't wait for a response or for him to even turn. I left just as quickly as I had before, because I couldn't bear to see his face for fear that the true emotion of what I had done and was now feeling would be reflected in his eyes.

I have always looked back on that first date as the best I have had in my life. While I have been on many dates over the years, I still compare them to those first few hours with him.

So to you, my best first date, wherever you are, heres hoping that the spark we had and the feeling that I had all that night has found you and you are safe and happy tonight.

Nope

Behold, the image that I have spent the last one and a half hours dealing with....

This may not be an ACTUAL image because had I tried to take a pic with my phone, the likely hood that I would be hospitalized right now would be 100%, but you get the idea.

My brother and his partner, about two years ago, bought a house in Frisco. Let me give you the rundown on Frisco. Its a booming suburb of Dallas, where the families are fleeing because houses are cheap 'er' than in Dallas proper and about a year after purchase has increased in property value about 110%. It is also the land of station wagons, magnetic soccer balls, and suburban housewifes. NOT that there is anything wrong with that but as a general rule, they have forgotten how to navigate their overstuffed Suburbans.

Last week, my brothers grandfather passed away and he had to leave town to attend the memorial service. He asked me if I would mind housesitting and watching the dogs and of course, I agreed.

A. I love staying at their house. Its big, its comfortable, and its fabulous.
B. I love their dogs. So it was an obvious choice.

Last night, I made my way up to the house and had a wonderful evening with the dogs and living in suburbia. It would be nice to have that much space AND a yard to go along with it but the sacrifices may be too high.

I awoke this morning at 6:30. About an hour before usual and began the process of getting dressed for work. I knew that the commute would be substantial as it takes 30 minutes to get their WITHOUT traffic.

This is where it gets tricky because, I drive a standard AND I F ING HATE TRAFFIC. Not just like as an inconvienance. I LOATHE IT!!! The feeling that I have for it is very similar to the one Pat Robertson has for me someday marrying my same sex partner. Its disgusting.

I enter the tollroad at 5 til 7 figuring that an hour and a half should be plenty of time to get to the office. Instant gridlock. I will spare you the details of almost being run over or rammed into multiple times by aforementioned housewifes talking on their phones and applying liquid eyeliner while driving their eighteen wheelers. I will sum it all up in one sentence. I drove almost 20 miles and never got out of second gear.

When I finally made it to the office at 5 after 8 I was exhausted and tired of looking at the inside of my car. The one GOOD thing about it is that my LEFT leg got a work out for sure but my clutch may need to be replaced.

Delta Burke, Leslie Jordan, Bruce Villanch, Gay Pride and a Letter

WOW! This weekend was OUT OF CONTROL busy. As I sit here on Monday morning thinking about it, it seems as though it was five days long instead of just two. At the beginning,

It was Gay Pride weekend here in Dallas and it got kicked off on Thursday night. Delta Burke, Leslie Jordan and the cast of Sordid Lives were all at S4 for Delta Burkes 50th b-day party. Of course, I HAD to go because after all its FREAKING SUSAN SUGARBAKER PEOPLE!!!! She looked fabulous and was incredibly gracious to stand for an hour and let the homos fawn all over her. But being a former, Miss Georgia World I am sure she was used to it. I met my friends and Randall and some of his friends out and to say the least SHOULD have gone home sooner because Friday morning came too early and was not welcomed at all.

FRIDAY

Work, work, work and then Ron calls me in his office and tells me that the Chamber of Commerce Board is taking Bruce Villanch to dinner and did I want to go?? UH YEAH!! There were 12 people going so it was a pretty intimate setting and we went to the Landmark Restaurant in The Melrose Hotel which is AWESOME!!! So I had to go buy new clothes, OF COURSE, because nothing that I already had would do. LOL.

I got ready and was wearing a black button down, dark jeans (new), cowboy boots, the BIG G belt which is my fave and a camel colored cotton blazer. Ron called mid "get ready" time and told me that I needed to meet him at a fashion design party at Stanley Korshak. So I was off to this party I knew nothing about but I looked fabulous so I was ready to roll. I show up and it is about 300 people all designers, models, or associates of the designers and I was in H-E-A-V-E-N. Surrounded by fabulous clothes, fabulous people, and a BEAUTIFUL store I was feeling good and looking great. We left there after the decision was made that I could not have the $4500 jacket and we headed to dinner.

Dinner was fabulous, Bruce Villanch and the rest of the party were all in great form and after a three hour dinner Ron and I went to meet my crew at S4. They were all celebrating PRIDE by the time that we got there, to put it gently. I walk in and Fitz who was HAMMERED, proceded to tell me for the next two hours how BAD I looked and that he hated everything about what I was wearing, of which my response to him was "If you don't get away from me, there is a very real chance that I am going to punch you in your throat" Needless to say he stayed away.

SATURDAY

Randall, some of his friends, and I all went to Six Flags for Gay Days. Now, I have never been a big rollercoaster buff but I had an AWESOME time. The thrill and andrenaline kept me pumped up until mid afternoon. By then, everyone was hot, tired and wanting a shower for sure. They dropped me off and I headed to my brother Davids for a dinner party and had a great time there laughing and carrying on with he and his partner and a couple of their friends. Naturally, it was back to the bar for Saturday evening festivities.

One word:packed. That bar was packed. Honey, queens were crawling out of the woodwork. I ran into a buddy of mine from college and we wound up catching up for a lot of the night. About 3 that morning I poured myself into bed hoping on some much needed sleep.

SUNDAY

After waking up at 11. LOL. My college buddy, Michael, called and came to hang and head to the parade with me and my friends. We went to the strip and prepared ourselves for a wet time. It was pouring and let me tell you this, after months of not having it, how is mother nature gonna be a bitch and rain on the Gay Pride Parade. But, lemme tell you what, a little rain will NOT get in the way of thousands of gay people celebrating our lives. That parade went off without a hitch and it was a SIGHT for sure. Naturally, I discovered that I am the gayest person ever because the beads that I caught were the rainbow. I would just grab what they threw and not pay attention. By the end of the parade a friend of mine said, GURL only you would coordinate your beads to the gay pride flag. LOL. It was true, however unintentional.

It was a great time had by all and it was interesting and refreshing to see the gay community come out and celebrate as ONE unit instead of being a bunch of bitchy groups talking about other people. Its awesome to see the amount of pride that this community has and I was in awe for a very breif moment when I thought about how much things have changed over the past couple of decades for gay people.

With all of that said, I got something on Friday that brought me to the brink of tears. In todays world of instant email and text messaging, its rare that I get anything but bills in the mail. On Friday, I got a postcard, a real put the stamp on it and give it to the USPS to deliver postcard from a wonderful friend in Little Rock. It touched my heart and gave me such a great feeling about her and how wonderful of a person she is. She reads this blog religiously to keep up with my life and I wanted to give her a special note and let her know, you are a ray of sunshine in an otherwise cloudy world. No matter what I do or where I go, I love you and I my dear am a better person for knowing you.

Societies Mask

GUILTY AS CHARGED!!!! Life is interesting to say the least. People come in and out of our lives based on social interaction and whether or not they stick around as friends is based a lot on how well we get along and an underlying trust and faith that that person is 'real and honest' with us at all times. What seems to be the actual truth of society is that eveyone wears a metaphorical mask to hide the shortcomings or feelings of inadequiaces.

I, myself, have done it, I know. There have been many Britts, or 'faces of Britt' all based on the unrealistic image of perfection that is laid upon us from birth. All brought on by the group of people that I am surrounded with. Successful business man Britt, drunk Britt, party boy Britt all have made an appearance at one point or another just to name a few.

The image of perfection is one of the 'agreements' that we make at an early age. We see role models as we grow up and see the lives that they lead and come to an agreement with society as to what perfection actually is, no matter the actual cost.

Over the past several months I have tried to wear the 'real Britt' face. The caring, compassionate, and happy face that has transcended through time, pain, and life. I realize that I still strive to reach this level of perfection but it becomes less important to me as I live day to day and realize that the only thing that I can be is the perfect Britt.

People compare themselves to one another day in and day out. Level of success, cars, family, houses are all put on the block and can create a negative picture of us depending on the comparison. Obviously, if I compared myself to a 40 year old high level executive this would bring about mass amounts of depression because it would be plain to see that he/she has more than I do. But does he/she really? In comparing ourselves with others we see the outside and know very little about what actually makes up the person. They can be frustrated, having a failing marriage but seem as though they live a gilded life because they have a big house and a Mercedes.

The missing piece of this comparison is that people cannot compare themselves to one another realistically. Sure, we look to our peers in comparison but even this is not a true and telling sign of where or WHO we are as a person. Peoples maturity levels, emotions, and physical beings all progress at a much different rate than the person sitting next to you who may be the same age.

I guess the point of this is that I have tried to look at myself and compare me with ONLY me. Who am I now and who was I five years ago? Am I a better person, friend, son, and brother? Would I be friends with the person that I was five years ago and if not, then what strides am I making now to assure that I would be friends with my current self in five years? Its a question that I ask myself throughout time.

It seems as though sometimes people are pulled apart by the social masks that they feel they must wear. This is a logical explanation because if people hide the true person that they really are, how can they make and maintain meaningful friendships and relationships?

It seems as though a lot of negativity has been swirling around me lately. Most of it brought on by the almighty liquor induced absence of self that seems omnipresent. I stopped drinking in July because I wanted to step back and took a real look at who I actually was, what I was doing, and what I would be doing if I wasn't influenced by anything other than my own thoughts and feelings. What I found is that in five years, I would not be friends with my current self because to be frank I was a judgemental asshole.

Taking a long hard look at yourself is a difficult task at best. When other people judge you, you can write the comments off as well as the person making them. But only when you judge yourself can you truly get a clear picture of who you are in comparison with yourself. It takes guts and somtimes causes a lot of pain, for only you know the truth and as I have found, only that truth can set you free.

Carry yo ASS......

Lets catch up with what Britt has been up to for the past couple of weeks shall we?

Its obvious that I had a birthday, YAY!!, HOORAY!!!, you are now in your mid twenties, CRAP!. It was a tough birthday that made me think a lot more than the others have up until now. I connected a lot of actions and responsibilities with 24 that I never have before and too a step back as to where I was and what I was doing in comparison to what I wanted to be doing at 24 when I was say 19. I am on track although I would really like to be a homeowner. Well, whatever all in good time my dear watson.

I went and saw World Trade Center last week and let me just state the obvious here. Its a tear jerking mess. Even for me and as we all know, I am dead inside. No emotions, ever. So about 3/4 of the way through the movie I started crying and acting like some driveling slob but it was necessary because it was a tragic day in the life of Americans. One we shall not soon forget......

Okay, so let me just TELL you about the movie experience. We go, buy the tickets, yadda yadda....but not before I saw a shirt in Express that I HAD to have. So armed with an Express bag and a bucket of Diet Coke purchased for the bargain basement price of 29.95 we head to our movie. There was a group of what appeared to be pre teens in the lobby who seemed to be experiencing the early signs of hearing loss and I kept thinking, "Please God, don't let them be in my movie". Sadly, they were. But let me tell you the power of this movie. First shot, they were so quiet I forgot they were there until one of the girls began to have a nervous breakdown.

Now I realize that this movie is absolutely one of the most devistating because it has to do with ACTUAL tragedy. But seriously, I thought that this girl was beginning to have a breakdown. Wailing, crying, sniffing, all of it. AND LOUD. Now all of this stopped when her phone rang in the middle of the movie and apparently "Karen and Shawn broke up"

This announcement sent the entrie row into a scurry of whispers and gasps. Obviously, Karen and Shawn were going to "be together forever" well at least, until Shawn found a cheerleader with bigger boobs and Karen found a football player with a better Range Rover. But I digress...

Life has been moving along rather swimmingly with no major bumps and or drama to report. There is of course drama, of which I choose to remain nuetral and not participate and FAR be it for me to spread gossip. I never repeat it so you better listen closely the first time.....

I have met a boy. Hes a cute boy. We have been out several times and its great to meet someone who is just calm and not in a hurry and knows how to take an afternoon and spend it. Not rush here and there with this person and that. Just take an afternoon and have a great time. We have been out several times and the more I know, the more I like. We shall see where it goes.

I am taking it one day at a time. Not stressing about where and when this is going to go. Its a different approach and one that I have begun to enjoy. Its great to talk and just be.