Is there such a thing as no strings?

No strings attached.

Its a phrase that I have heard quite a bit in the last few years. It started in high school with the release of the album by NSync called No Strings Attached. At the tender age of seventeen I was blindly unaware as to what strings were and what the title of that album foreshadowed involving the actual lyrics to the song. I know it seems strange that a grown man is making reference to a teeny bopper boy band but follow me.

In my world, the are a lot of things that are supposedly no strings. Sex, relationships, friendships, actions, words, all of which can in theory contain no strings but only if that is an actual stipulation. But can this exsist in actuality? Is there such a thing as no strings? Every word we say, every decision we make causes an emotion, whether in ourselves or in others. Fear, anger, hurt, happiness, joy, bliss, all are caused by decisions that we make. I suppose that the actual meaning of this is that nothing past this. You don't hold me responsible for anything more than what we agree on but I have never been able to do that. Well at least not consciencely.

As of late, I have begun to think about what is happening in life. I am 24 and while that is not OLD persay its old enough to know better. Its old enough to begin to start to settle in and look for those things in my life that are going to be constant. Gone are the fleeting romances, the flings, the replaceable friends, the disposable emotions and relationships.

Those things, always associated with childlike behavior and times are now replaced with words like partner, marriage, family, love and connection. Never before has there been a time when I have needed the love and support of not only my blood family but the family that I have chosen. To some degree, that family is more than the other. Blood family is given. Chosen family is just that.....chosen. A conscience decision is made to allow these people into all facets of your life, emotion and thought. They invade every part of you. They know you better than anyone. They are the ones you call when you aren't sure you could be happier and the ones you call when you aren't sure that you could make it through alone.

I have been blessed in my life to have an incredible, supportive, and loving blood family and even more blessed to have found a chosen family that I feel 100% a part of. No judgement, no hidden agendas. Just love.

In answer to the question, I don't think that there is ever such a thing as no strings. There are always strings. It is how we deal with these strings that truly defines our life.

Forks and where they lead us

When I was in high school, I had two of the closest friends that I could imagine. The three amigos, we were. Our antics were looked upon fondly by not only our peers but our teachers because we were intelligent, driven, and hard working individuals. To say that we ran North Pulaski High School would be a severe understatement. We were everywhere, sometimes together, sometimes seperate but always running this club or that group.

Graduation would seperate Amy from Andrea and I but not just geographically. College is said to be the greatest time of your life. Not only are you discovering new things about your surroundings but it is an intense time of learning for anyone. No longer guided by your parents rules and values, college is meant to give you a foundation for the rest of your life. You make decisions and you must deal with the consequences and hope that the good will always outweight the bad.

College for me was difficult. I was back and forth between who I was and wanted to be and who I knew I was and could be. "Deep as a puddle of mud" was applied to me multiple times during this period, that is until I let down my guard and became the man that I knew I was inside.

Andrea and I found new lives, friends and routines but we would always come back to one another. We had some of the largest fights our lives in college but also some of the best times. Andrea has always been a bit overprotective when it came to me. It annoyed me, it frustrated me, and it caused some of the larger of the aformentioned fights. But there was always a sense of protection and love. Almost like a blanket that I could hide under.

The three amigos were truly seperated when I came out. Well, sort of. Andrea was my foundation, my base, the one that I knew no matter what that I could tell anything to and she would support me, in this instance she didn't prove any different. When I told Amy that I was gay she was slightly less accepting. Her very deep religious beliefs would cause a conflict between she and I, which in turn would cause a conflict between she and Drea because Andrea was behind me 100%.

Amy and I have gotten better, but the difference in the people that we are now and who we were in high school is staggering. Andrea and I have gone on to find careers in our chosen paths in life. Amy has gotten married and is expecting a family.

The strangest of all the realities that were to become was that, Amy was the one who was predicted more success. She excelled at almost everything academic AND athletic. She was a rock that couldn't be broken.

All of this leads up to this past weekend. Andrea and her fiance moved to Tulsa where he is a corporate attorney. Amy was in Tulsa with her husband who plays for a Christian youth group and Tulsa is only a few hours away from Dallas, so the decision was made.

We met and Drea and I talk, act, and laugh at the same things we always have. Amy on the other hand is a bit more reserved. Our lives, are put on a pedastal as are Drea and I personally. Its almost as though we are a side show. An entertaining one and certainly the stars of any conversation. Amy and her husband were fascinated with the stories, the events, and the things that we have. While our lives are just our lives, it was strange to see the reactions to our conversations.

Its amazing to see where life will lead people.

The "Bar" of Soap

My life is sometimes unbelievable even to me. There is a place in Dallas called Bar of Soap. My friend, Mark told me he was there one night about a month ago and I could not quite grasp what this place was exactly.

Picture this, its a laundromat, in a bar. Yes, thats correct washing machines next to drinks. While this seemed slightly odd to me when he began to describe it I thought it was an interesting concept. Do something entertaining while getting housework done. Interesting indeed.

Let me set this place up for you.

It is in the area of Dallas known as Deep Ellum, which is famous for being not trendy but edgy. There are a lot of tattoo shops, art galleries, music shops, and restaurants. The buildings are from the early 1900s so it has a quaintness to it, until the sun goes down. Its slightly more frightening. The urban crawl has not made its way over there yet, so there are some 'homeless issues', crime sprees, and frankly I don't ever feel like my car is safe.

I digress.

When you walk into the bar you are hit with the smell of fresh laundry mixed with cig smoke, the walls are COVERED with graffiti, flyers for unheard of underground rock bands, and a bulletin board with a flyer for Bulldog puppies, who, according to an amateur graphic artist will "eat your ass". Amusing.

Mark actually found a bag of cocaine in the bathroom on one of his trips. LOL.

There are about 20 washers and dryers with some arcade games and an air hockey table. Walk past the washing machines and step down into the actual bar area. The floor is about 100 years old and its that black and white check tile business that appears to possibly have been cleaned the day after it was installed but not since. The bar is to your right with a sign on a mirror behind it that states

"NO pre-pay, NO odd discounts , and PAY YOUR TAB"

WHO pre pays for drinks??

AND

What is an odd discount? Is that one of those "I know the bartenders brothers sisters cousins baby mamma story" discount thing? Or just a discount for being odd? Of which, if they were giving THOSE out everyone in the place (me being an exception of course) would qualify.

It seems to be a biker type bar....lots of leather, tattoos, earrings, and long unwashed hair under a dew rag...which, cute outfit, DOES NOT MAKE....

Needless to say, in Banana Republic and Gucci, I, DID NOT BLEND.

I order a rum and diet, typically a safe bet but quickly realize while bartender is pouring the drink that beer and/or water may have been safer. He pours me a glass of rum and then splashes it with diet for color. Typically, people exaggerate the strong drink mixing but I SWEAR, this was a glass of rum with a squirt, an ACTUAL squirt of diet coke. He slides that across the bar and asks me for $4. I sort of wanted to pour it out and ask for another one mixed by a SANE person but thought better of it when the incredibly large man in a leather vest bellied up to the bar next to me. That is an expression that is in all actuality worked perfectly for him because his stomach hit the bar. The drink was unbearable. The smell of the liquor was wafting toward me. Who can actually SMELL the liquor coming from their drink?

I take my drink and sit down in a booth that was so old that all the springs were gone so I was sitting about eye level with the table top. LOL. Mark and Jillian were with me and we laughed and joked and carried on. Mostly about the fact that I appeared to be 2 feet tall.

OH, OH, okay so we are sitting, drinking, and in walks this DOG. A dog. Not just any dog, it was this huge Saint Bernard looking dog, THAT STUNK. And it is just wandering around the bar right. So, naturally I am avoiding looking at it because I know instantly that the second I do, its going to come over and drool on me. None of that. It did, however, come over and lick Jillian.

Disgusting.

Bar of Soap is a VERY interesting place to go, FOR SURE. I don't know that I can recommend it for the laundry facilities but it has some interesting people watching value.

Changes

Okay party people, so I have made some changes, of which one will be responsible for the return to the blogger. I transformed a room in my office from a catch all 'ironing, throw your dry cleaning and purse' here into an office. Desk, chair, computer, and decorations later, I finally have a place to sit, listen to music, and catch up on all of the happenstance in my life. Although, it feels as though there may just be so much that I am not 100% sure I could even begin to tell you everything. I can try. Therefore I suppose I will.

As I have learned recently, life is ever changing. You can't ever be sure that what was true today will prove true tomorrow. I have found that this proves from almost any angle. Friends come, go, boyfriends follow the same rule. Jobs change and so do opinions. I am at a point in life in which I am not totally sure what is happening. Sometimes it feels like the world is swirling around me and I am just a pawn in a much larger game. A game that the purpose seems to be lost on me.

I realize that life is a big challenge. That just around every corner is something that you may not understand or completely WANT to understand. Those challenges make us grow, make us stronger, and when we get through them we suddenly realize that we are a better person, a stronger person.

I truly feel like I am on the precipice of this challenge. I am unclear as to what it is, where it will lead me, but I am certain that I will be a bigger, stronger man when I make it through.

2007

As the new year rapidly approaches, I am consumed with thoughts of what to do for the celebration itself but more concerning is what changes may come about as one chapter in my life closes and another opens. To say the least, 2006, was a roller coaster of emotion and activity. I started out with a boyfriend, shortly to be single thereafter. I moved, bought a new car, met some of the best people I can imagine and some them turned into something that I didn't sign up for.

Most people see the new year as a time of replenishment, a time to make changes, and a wiping of the slate. I am inspired to agree but know that no one is going to be perfect. Mostly, the new years resolutions of losing weight and the like go on for a short time until you are thrown back into your old ways. The old ways that may not have been so terrible, but just you.

So, in response to the new years resolution, I say, I am going to approach 2007 with a zest for life and simply be the best Britt that I know how to be. The fun Britt, the good example Britt, the Britt that is loved and that loves. Like I haven't been hurt, like no one is watching, and that the only person counting on me is me.

Happy New Year!!

You know I got it...

At some point this blog became less of a daily journal and more of a "quick catch up" but after reading the past posts I have discovered that the majority of my posts consist of I went here and did this or I miss the ex, or I am over the ex, quickly followed by nervous breakdown blog about missing the ex...

OH, the strangeness of the past...

Lately has felt like a totally different life that I am living. I am finally okay with the fact that I am single. NO, seriously, I am. I know that I have said it before but I never really ACTUALLY felt like I was okay being single. The only way that I know this is actually true is that there have been possibilities for me to date someone and I walked away. I guess that at some point I started to like being with myself. I can read, listen to music, do whatever and I don't have to explain. If I don't want to be around people I don't have to be and that is a luxury that I truly have missed. Sure, it would be nice to find someone that I can fall madly in love with again BUT, the truth is, when I look those NEVER work out. It seems as though I can't be myself or I end up letting little things go that I never would have before because I WANT to date SOMEONE so much that I lower my standards. I know what I am worth. I know how fantastic of a boyfriend I am, no matter what the ex's say. LOL. So, here is to keeping the bar high and getting what I deserve.

Nothing less.

Judgement and Betrayl

Its easy to do.

Before we even realize what we are doing the words come tumbling out like an avalanche. Hes a slut, she drinks too much. I am just as guilty as the next person when it comes to judgement. I have tried in the past to remain nuetral and just listen to the situation but I always find my mind wandering into that field mine laiden area of judgement. Its dangerous, can ruin friendships and end relationships. I can actually accomplish the nuetral listening friend role, it just takes concentration.

But what happens when you become so judgemental that you have to wrap yourself in lies just to be able to save face? When suddenly you have talked so much that you can't let any of your friends in on your actual life because you realize that you are human, just like them.

For weeks, I have been struggling with someone in my life who was very close. A good friend. Down on his luck, it seemed as though a break would not be forth coming. This of course, drove him into somewhat of a depression, leading to a lot of alcohol consumption, drug use, deceit, and behavior that was totally unlike and unbecoming of the person that I met months ago and developed a friendship with.

Its strange what our minds will clue us into when we aren't really paying attention. The story of the utter demise of the friendship is long, drawn out, and some what tedious in its pattern so I will spare you the intimate details. Just know that given multiple chances to redeem himself from the lies, he was staunch in his decision to remain as the accused only proving him guilty in my mind. Evidence to support the so called 'truth' would be easily presented and the accusation of the lie immediately withdrawn and apologized for, but instead he chose to base his explanation solely on his word which, at this point, has lost all credit with me.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. This may be a particularly harsh way of looking at the world but honestly, how many times can you expect to completely deceive your friends and not lose one or two. I gave him a chance and he didn't take it. A chance for redemption and instead he chose the road of betrayl.